The last three months....

What happened ? What happened? I constantly ask myself this question. The answers don't often come easy, at least for questions that I myself don't seem to have a clue why am I asking them! Why did I stop writing for the last few months...busy is a convenient excuse. I've always used this excuse, without fail actually. The more I use it, the more it became part of me, nicely integrated into me.

It was not an easy year to start with and I have been very stressful at work, trying to figure out if I am doing things right. It has obviously affected my relationship with someone dear. I felt bad that I am not able to reciprocate at all.

That't the bad me... I love freedom and new things, adventure and even new people so much that I tend to neglect the old. Perhaps this is the sign that I should not be owning anything in life, it makes complete sense now when I ponder upon the title of this blog, its called The Leased Life, so nothing is mine.

Few charismatic characters appeared in my life the last few months. March 17th...I met him, a political and head of state...I'll love to share more about the development between us but due to confidentiality I'll not mentioned anything here.

The other one new friend I met was couple of weeks ago, a senior writer at an investment bank... my first date with a Ang Moh.... literally first. Never have I set eyes on any Ang Moh before and strangely the Ang Moh never pick me up too. I figured that they like tanned girls like the thais, Filipinos and Indonesian girls. I have often question the taste of Ang Moh... coz some really have very ugly looking girlfriends. Parson me but the GF look more like the maid .... perhaps they really are. Oppss!!

Anyway this Ang Moh guy which I am gonna refer him to as SK seems so different. He is not the typical stingy Ang Moh at all and its kinda fun to talk too and have a great sense of humor as well. I reckon we will be very good friends for the many years to come.....SK's works for a prestigious investment company that is very philanthropic too, at least that was what I figured out about a month ago. Something that tumbles the world of SK happened last Thurs...his big boss decided to close the entire communications department and he took it very hard saying that he has never been sacked before. I was quite helpless......

------------still waiting for him to get over this and start looking positively into the future. I've been sending him jobs opportunities and hope he can find one in SG....but I told myself that a man is most happen if he is able to be where his heart calls.... and he is considering Beirut. It wont be right for me to ask him to stay if he decided to explore a new place.....I'll be sad but also happy that a dear friend is able to follow his dreams and follow the callings....

Rin

So long... and a new Birkenstock

Is being busy really an excuse not to blog? The answer is a NO NO... I am perhaps affected by moods and other people's mood too. Anyway it's gonna be short but I promise I'll write more perhaps tonight.

Financial crisis has obviously set me back a little, no more Balenciaga Bags and stuff but it never really stopped me from dreaming I will have them again. But then I am still living my life without the material stuff. So life can be pretty simple...

So what have I indulge in so far ? Nothing much except some absolutely vital things like a Birkenstock for my flat feet :( . It wasn't the most glamorous thing to tell people that I have wide and flat feet that I could normally hide in my many pairs of high heels.

I started wearing Birkenstock about 3 years and ago and never look back since. It's comfortable and the designs are getting more fancy and cool by the days. My first pair is simple just with a Chili Red band and no other patterns. Too bad I am still trying to convince myself to wear the flowers / beads type. Perhaps one fine day.

There was a sale at Birkenstock Wheelock Place about 2 months ago...and I practically spent half an hour trying to choose the right pair. I fell in love with a dark purple pair but they don't have my size so I settle for a bright orange....Trigger My Happy Feet....

Emotional exchange....

Men is a so predictable isn't it. They are so driven by lust, animal instinct and a not committed attitude. Most women are aware of their famous traits and yet time and again we fell for the same old tricks. We fell for bad boys and we find the goody and nerdy man not interesting enough. We find them boring, not adventurous in every sense including the action in bedroom.

Why are we so intrigue by man who're full of sweet talks, knowing that they are practically lying with the eyes wide open and tongue hanging halfway accompanied by drooling saliva. Yes, these men are up to something... prey on our weaknesses, something that has not changed for eons, we love bad man. I suspect that perhaps this trails are coded in the female XX chromosome.

It has happened to me and I told myself I am not gonna let this happen again but stupidly I did it again, just like Britney Spears did. Before the "trip" he was loving and caring but after that he was cold and everything changed. It's so predictable right. But than it was one of the happier few days of my life.....

The good memories lingers on.... sometime when you see me having that sweet silly smile....that's when I think of the memories with P.....

Live band @ Pump Room Rocks

Clarke Quay never seems to be a name that rings a bell but then the other clubs are equally boring to me for the longest time. But occasionally I do enjoy the loud thundering musics performed by the live bands, be it local or foreign. Strangely, Singapore once had many Filipino bands but recently there was a switch to local bands... Are we adopting the GET SINGAPORE BRAND attitude.

Living the life of a post holiday blue in MEL and still in a dilemma I took up and invitation for dinner at PUMPED room, Clarke Quay. Food was good and price is quite affordable. I opted for a COD fish, my all time fav and a pine of wheat ale ( happy hour till 8pm ) you get one 4 one. Dinner is served and snap snap.... my colleague, blogger friend and food connoisseur was busy taking pictures as usual.

Starters is served and ta da..... my fav grilled baby octopus which reminds me of Greece. Oh man I long to go back there. I must say the company was quite good and the food is excellent too. I was told the live band is good but me being NOT a clubbing person was clueless about the latest band in town and who's who.

Well, moments and seconds between meals there were SMS exchanges between P and me... he was upset again. I tried cheering him up but then I asked myself at times, who am I do that. We are just colleagues and maybe "good" friend. An that's the excuse I gave myself to prevent me having any further emotions for P.

10.45pm..The band started playing... and this lead singer caught my attention. He/She or it.. seems to be always smiling and full of confident. That's the way to go man.... his voice is beautiful and full of character too. I enjoyed the night and stayed for 3 sets of the band's performance. Very unlike me but that I thought I was rather unpredictable at times....

Been there .... done that...

Four days ago, I hurriedly pen down a few words trying to describe how excited and thrilled I was being able to fly whenever I feel like flying and there I am checking into the airport. I have always reminded myself that the destination does not matter but the journey does. The feeling was obviously good while I was heading to the airport but deep in me I knew I am gonna have sort of a down and mix feeling when I get back and true enough. You know it is the feeling that the holiday is ending and there are no more fun. Truth be told the last few days wasn't really fun, perhaps I was trying to understand myself while trying to understand the other person who is almost a stranger to me....besides the fact that we share the same office, the same stress at work and a few other passion for life.. like coffee and cigar.

It was a carefree few days and I didn't really work although I did respond to e-mails but it wasn't that kinda work I usually do back home and I certainly felt guilty about it. Being uptight about life caused more harm than good and I swear by it.. at least proven on me. I get depressed for no apparent reason and at times the reason was why am I in this situation, why life is not good enough for me and why can't I find someone who truly care for me. Or perhaps i am just not contented with what I have now. Oh gosh, I am getting confused over this subject again. We are supposed to be contented but does that mean that we stop looking for better things in life because we are contented with what we have now?

I spent the last few days thinking over this matter of being contented while away having a break with that stranger. In fact, there were moments that I feel contented but then it did not last long. Soon we will be talking about material matters and all the very "human" subject again.

The few days were fun and like any other things in life, it has to come to an end. It was a dream from the beginning and certain things are never meant to be. Only we human beings made it happened because we are curious animal that are thrilled by excitements, I am extremely tried right now ....physically and emotionally and not knowing what I am getting myself into. I hope this is another dream within the dream...

When you taste freedom.....

I have always wanted to be able to fly whenever I feel like flying but never had a chance to do so until today. I decided to fly to Mel 10 hours before the departure time and was searching and rushing to get my tickets and visa done. Almost gave up when I got to know that visa application online takes 24 for approval. But then I thought I will give the travel agent a try since they are professional and there to serve the customer's need.

Yay.. i got the flight but the whole purpose of me writing is not about how efficient the travel agent it. It is about the freedom I the "feeling" I get being able to do things I want to do, perhaps we call it following your heart.
I wonder if it is wrong or irresponsible to just leave things back at home or a work. I have wondered if the world will stop spinning because I am not there? The answer is a clear no no.... I guess I just have to do it at least once in my life....

10% No choice...90% is....

Prayers answered....the bright Yellow Round Face did shine brightly and fiercely today. But @ work it was rather a quite and normal day. You do hear laughter and giggles hear and there. It is nice be able to hear people laugh although no way in hell I couldn't figure out what they were laughing at. Not at me I hope....

P is much better too and although he claimed that he is 95% better which is good. Happiness is in our own hand is certainly very true. How we feel is actually the consequences of what we did, whether we chose it consciously or unconsciously. Thus the 10% and 90% rules. According to some experts, 10% of the time we can't choose or dictate what happens, where , when or how. However the remaining 90% of the time, we can determine the outcome of the 10% but how we react to it. Thus, isn't life all about choices?

It's 10.12 pm and I long to sleep, I am not sure why? I suspect something is bothering me but... could be a person, a thing....something...or nothing at all...

A better tomorrow for P....

" Kopi C for you? " came the SMS. "Hehehe, Sure" was the answer, not excited at all. Perhaps my women 6 cents or ESP tells me it is gonna be a gloomy day. It really doesn't help that the weather for the last few days were supporting my thoughts." Didn't sleep at all last nite, sighhh" was the reply. " Think of me ar? Can't sleep is it?" was the answer I joking input while trawling through my piles of documents. There was a silence for a good 15 mins before the Kopi C was delivered to my table. He looks terrible I must say, but what do you expect from a person who did not sleep the whole night.I bet it must be one of the longest night he ever had. I wish I could send a little bean bear over to accompany him if I know he is awake and feeling down... Sighhh... only if I know.

I am bad at this situation, I am stoned and can only give him that real caring smile left in me as I was also tormented with the household issues too. He said it was household issue and left my room. A little while later an SMS came and he was saying that he is not gonna function today and will leave early. I offered to bring him out for a spin.... hopefully I can do that little bit to cheer him up... 11.30am...we went out for a smoke... to our disappointment, Starbucks outdoor area are non smoking.... we ended up in Beach Hut for Hoyo. My first puff for at least 3 weeks...We talk, talk and talk.... but there were long silence too when we just stared at each others eyes and smile. I thought it was a message clearly understood by both. We will be supporting each other through good and bad.....
I hope he is fast asleep now and the issues resolved. Good night P........and here's your fav bear keeping you company .....Will be there for you... always...

Smiles.... and ever lasting smile...

4th Apr 2009,

Been away for a couple of days from the concrete jungle I called home for the time being. To seek sanity and to go back to basic is absolutely necessary in this age and time. People like me is fortunate enough to be born in a country that is peaceful enough and full of opportunities, minus the biases towards the dominant races and the scandals that our government are involved in. Well, we all know which country ;p. Seriously I have no complaints especially after hearing and now seeing the reality in the third world countries.

Oh ya! I really have not finished describing my trip to DILI, there is so much to write and I seriously doubt my english is that powerful and flowery to put my thoughts, my views and my feelings on a note....

Perhaps it is too overwhelming for me, at times the thoughts that lingers ( whatever that is left in my brain) on brings back the happy moments, at times it was just moment of dillemma. I tried very hard to remember only the good things but we all know its is bullshit. I really suspect that human beings are born negative and only the stronger ones can defeat the negativity in us....and that is obvioulsy the reason these people are successful in their own ways.

Whenever I am feeling a bit down about the whole DILI trip, I always look at my inspirational photo.. yes a boy with a million dollar smile. He perhaps has never had a toy, a school bag, a proper text book or a good nutritional meal and often still wonders about his own future and his country's future. Look at him, he is still able to smile at me when my camera focused on him. We all know this smile is genuinely pure, sincere and heart warming. So why am I or we complaining or sulking over matters that is entirely unimportant. Perhaps we all live a very sophisticated and complex life, a life that is full of expectations. Until today, I have never really understood myself, wat I want or need?

If people can live a simple and basic life, why did we choose to complicate it? I wonder .....

Keep Smiling... RR

Emptiness in me....

Silence, broken by the tweaking, squeaking sound coming from the jungle around the villa seems creepy. At times my imagination runs wild, so wild that I almost decided to go sleep, cover myself up in a blanket and wait for tomorrow to arrive. I am supposed to be extremely happy now, well as least I was a week ago when "J" said I could come visit him on 4th. Then, it became a mistake on the dates... and he will be out of town....I am not giving up as there is still a slight chance of him transiting and stay here....

I miss "J" but told myself not to hope for the impossible..... regardless I am still gonna idolize him, for what he has done and going to do......

The saying goes, when all doors are shut, there will be a window that is open for you.... 10.27 pm, an sms came it but I ignored it.... I was expecting some other friends...10.4opm, I looked at the blackberry and it says " hope you're enjoyin Bali, g'nite, x J " . My heart sank.......I really wish I could hug him again.....and never let go......

I wish I could see him soon....but meanwhile. I am determined to embark on my little project for the little people.... the children with that smile that melts your heart.....

Good night R & R.........
Good night Ubud............
Good night Bali..................

Lazy Sunday....

29th March 2009,

I left the blog untouched for the last few days, not that I do not have any junk to write, any gossips to report. Truth be told I was real busy with work, drowned myself with worries and sick...I was hoping it is not love sick... But what the hell!! Not that I have not been through that... been there done that.

Came back from DILI, not exactly in the greatest mood and have to make a quick trip to KL for some bloggers events. Tired but I certainly look forward to this event, something that I have planned for almost a month. Even my brain were almost dead I still managed to steal some free time to think about "J" . He is constantly in my mind, obviously for the right and heroic reasons, but there were hardly any communications ever since I came back. One of those Chinese Drama TV would come up with a plot where the girl kept calling and sms-ing the guy but the phone went dead. I swear that it is the most horrible feeling one could experience.

Well, life goes on, that's what I told myself but I bet my last dollar that missing someone is terrible, worst if you're not sure if the person has the same feeling.

"J " has some much priorities in life and my existence would certainly interfere with his big ambitions... I tried to comfort myself. He gave me a book, of course written by him and it says " Warmest Memories" . Perhaps I should just be happy that I had such a good memories, experience and feeling for a few days... feelings of being in cloud nine, being mysterious, being pampered and most of all the centre of attention and suddenly upon returning, it seems all gone....

4.27pm, "ting" and sms came in and I couldn't believe my eyes, it was "J" and he says he is well, safe and just very busy. Although I always asked myself, how long does it take to reply an sms or call, I am glad at least the sms came....

Is it a destiny or a dream...?

25th Mar 2009, 11.29pm...

I felt so low..so very low ever since I came back from DILI...I had the most memorable and honored moments in DILI, supposed to be jumping with joy! How come I am not? Checking in at DILI airport was horrible, the SILK air counter closes 3 hours before flight. I remembered his guard dropped me at the hotel, only to find out that my colleagues have gone to the airport and expect me to make my way there.

I left his place with a heavy heart, not believing that I had such a good time with him...holding his firm hand throughout the journey, never felt any fear, in fact it was very comfortable minus the bumpy rides. Gave him a big hug and whisper in his ear " Do you love me?" and " Yes" was his answer. I told myself I only needed to hear that not knowing that I will be tormented with mixed feelings after that.

It's way past the boarding time, I sat quickly in the small lounge waiting for perhaps the only flight for that day, looking at the supposedly duty free stores which look like a grocery store. Well, it is already not too bad, at least it is operational compared to the other two shops which are vacant. Airport people, better buck up!!
Well, without further elaboration, I am sure you can figure out how small, boring and unsightly the airport lounge is...the only compliment is that it doesn't have flies ( you get that in Malaysia's LCCT ) and many people with their high pitch voices in different languages. Yes LCCT is a budget terminal and people always associate it with foreign workers and cheap people. Yeah they are right unfortunately.

I sat there, looking at him...and yes he was looking back at me, expressionless, never mind coz I remembered very clearly his charming smile. He stole my heart in many occasions, often smiling at me whenever he caught me admiring and looking at him. A few occasions it was so obvious....so obviously even the blind can feel the exchange of smiles and "feel" for each other, but is he for real?? I don't believe I am so lucky... who am I, what do I have? He is such a celebrity, I am not good enough, there is nothing in me......tell me about being positive... Geez I can never convince myself. But I often steal a moment to look back at the fairy tale...that's unexpected call from him.....

17th March 2009, 9.29pm...

I was enjoying a massage by Min, a Filipino lady recommended and arranged by a business partner. There are no proper spa, so I the massage was done in my hotel room. I am done with the front and now lay facing down on my stomach for min to do my shoulder. Min suggested I take out the shirt so that she can apply oil and I did as instructed, obediently like a student who hopes to be rewarded for following instructions. Ring Ring Ring... and there is this +670XXX XXXX number appeared on my phone. The first thing on my mind, must be some business associate we met during the afternoon. The voice then uttered a few words but the line was so bad, i could hardly hear anything..."Who are you" I asked.... I am "XXXX". What? Can you repeat please? I am so and so...

There is a silence which to me lasted a life time... I was speechless. and by the time my senses started working again, I was already talking to him....yes love his sexy, low voice.! We chatted and the said he will call me again tomorrow. It was like winning a lottery ticket, but I am over the cloud for the right reason of course.

I text him to say thanks for calling, an old fashion trick to continue the conversation... and it works. There were a few sms exchanges before it went silence again. That night was long, so long until I could wait for the sun to rise.

18th March 2009, 6:28:31 am
Ting.... and sms came in and it read " g'mornin! how was your nite? slept well? I fell asleep. saw your sms now. u may call if u can. j "

To be continue.....

Arriving in Dili.... Timor Leste

...the journey continues.... Fasten your seat belt, Cabin crew, to your landing station please.....

The low voice of the captain woke me up from my nap....yeah! damn tired but lucky to catch some sleep although it wasn't exactly the most comfortable place to sleep on the tiny economy seat of Silk air... Well, let know have the "complaint queen" syndrome take over me. Millions of people have not seen a plane. Shut up Rin!!!

All I can see was greenery as the plane prepares to land... but I can hardly see any control tower. On my... is the plane going to land safely??? Err... silence... and then a loud bang....and all of us jerked forward. Natural instinct would be to look out the window and see the surroundings...it is nothing like Changi Airport/ HK airport where you have aero bridges, traffic controls and etc..

Geez, I thought we landed on the army base instead of the DILI airport.

To be continue....

The calling.....

12th Mar 2009.

The journey was boring as usual, it is the biweekly trip to Malaysia again. Sometimes I wonder why I dont seem to be exicted about going back to my own country at all. Neither do I feel excited about being in Singapore. The last time I got excited about Singapore was when I packed my bag and moved there in 1999. Exactly 10 year now... and what goes through my mind was totally different from the day I first step on Singapore land. Not excited about Malaysia, feeling bored and lonely, tormented by a failed relationship, what else do I have in life to look forward to? .................The phone rang, it was a familiar voice...

VJ : " Rin, I am planning to go Timor Leste and XXX cannot make it, he chicken out, can you go ? "

Rin : Sure, been always dreaming of going to Timor, but let me check with XXX first.

VJ : Ok... call me back.

Phone : Tooottt.... Silence...

Going to Tibet & Timor has always been my dream, childhood dream to be exact. It was so suddenly, so abrupt that I felt unprepared at all.

15th Mar 2009, 3 days after VJ's call...

VJ: Rin, all confirmed... we are flying on Tue and come back on Sat... and we may meet the President....

Rin: What?? President? you mean Dr. Jose?? Wow !! cool, he is quite handsome ....hahahah!! but I heard he is a tough negotiator....."

VJ : Okie la.. we meet at SG airport and discuss on board.

Rin : Sure... byeee!!! Toooottttt

17thMar 2009, 5.30 am...

Ring Ring..... geezz... I am so tired, slept at 3am... packing and perhaps scared and excited about the trip. The negative news, rumors and information about Timor-Leste doesnt really help either.... everyone said " Are you crazy, what biz to do in a War Torn country" , " Aiyo, so dangerous la" .

On board Silk air and doing my readings.....

2.30 Timor Time... landed safely....

Occasional stay in home country....Malaysia...

Yawn and that's after 4 hours of nap on a rainy Sunday. Truth be told, I never slept so well before, particularly in recent months where everyone gotta worry about the F$%& ing meltdown happening in the whole damn world. Swearing aside, I felt good after the nap :) and surprisingly no migraine, YAY! Lazily I crawled out of bed, washed up and marched down to the foodie place around my condo...Geez, that's something sinful yet exciting and pleasurable when you stay in MLY...I am glad I got out of this sinful food heaven more than 9 years ago and go back once a month only for work.

Food aside, I still feel unsafe here...( Authorities, please buck up ) having had one of the most terrifying experience when I first moved into the company's rented condo which comes with two parking lots ( Unit No is clearly stated on the lot ). I was quite happy that now I can zipped to MLY with my 320i and it will be quite safe parking my car there as there are designated parking lots and I have TWO. Cutting the drama ( happened last Aug ) short, I discovered that both my four doors were scratched and two right tyres being slashed. The furious me went berserk, furious and keep asking why? Why my car, there are so many other luxury cars there too...Until today, I have not found any answers and obviously the culprit not caught. I was upset, really upset but today.... looking back, I was just glad that I am safe and learning to let go and and be less affected by materials matters in life....


I had a Murtabak for dinner tonight with my fav teh halia for RM 6.50 ( Chicken Murtabak ) RM 1.30 ( Teh Halia ). Food is relatively cheap here if you go to the right place of course. A similar meal in Penang Original Kayu would have cost at least RM 12 - RM 15. Anyway Bravo and Thumps Up for Penang Original Kayu for their branding and commercialization effort, making Penang proud.

In Love With Cuban luxury....

It has been at lest two weeks since I pen down my thoughts. Why? I was pre-occupied by the temptations in life...men, sinful yet exciting hobbies ...yes I pick up cigar on the 5th day of CNY 09. In fact smoking is not new to me, having taste cigarettes while I am still in mom's tummy. Mom still continues to smoke today but me and my younger brother did not pick up smoking until the day when my "noti" emotions took over me. Brother is still pure and untouched by the nicotine : ).

My first cigar was a Ramon Specially Selected (SS) @ The Olde Cuban and it is an aged cigar kept by DY who is obviously is the culprit behind my excitement for cigars. I was worried that I might make a fool out of myself since cigar is touted to be one of the rich man's hobbies and a luxury enjoyment and to make it worse, I have always thought the cigar is a man thing, you know what I mean. Never imagine myself putting that long and huge stuff in my mouth...Ewwwweee it looks awful...my inner self was telling me. I succumbed to the temptations had my first puff and in less than 5 mins my second and the rest was history.... ( not that long history though as I just started for less than 3 weeks ). Curious to know more about cigars saw me doing frantic research on the web, trying to learn more about this luxury culture from the west which is slowly creeping to the east.

Cigar @ 1st

A cigar is a tightly rolled bundle of dried and fermented tobbaco which is ignited so that its smoke may be drawn into the smoker's mouth. The native inhabitants of the islands of the Caribbean Sea, Mesoamerica and Mexico have smoked cigars since as early as the 10th century. To date, there were only mentioned about the rich and famous from the west and their love for cigars. Rich people are often caricatured as wearing top hats and tux and smoking cigars. Cigars are often smoked to celebrate special occasion. As Rudyard Kipling said in his poem The Betrothed, "A woman is only a woman: but a good cigar is a smoke."

Keep Smoking.....

12.58 on a bright Sunday

I did try to be always positive about things but somehow i can never detached myself from worries, concerns and more worries. What's wrong with me actually? I lived a better life compared to most people, do not have to worry about food, roof over my head and etc... and yet I find myself always unhappy....

12.37pm...i was running late for an appointment and dashing out the house like a wind, thought I could live behind a rather moody and unpleasant morning but I failed. I failed terribly trying to get rid of mom's crying voices over the phone. She was upset...and for someone who is not really worth the tears. But I guess she is as fragile as me... taking my things in her own hands and trying hard to be strong..

12.58... a loud bang and there i am crashing into a cement mixer....my mind were literaly blank before that loud bang and I realised that throughout the drive I was just thinking about mom....and her episode....

I guess it serves as a wake up call for me....life is really very fragile and I might be gone in that split seconds.....

Cherish my life is what I am going to be doing from this moment onwards...

Let go....

I had a chat with R again tonight on our de-facto communication tool, the well loved MSN. We spoke about business, about life and about philosophy of life. Often, we have our own ways of doing things and our own philosophy, be it teachings from religion, parent, grandfather/mother, teaches and etc...

Do we really have to follow a certain philosophy in our live ???